LAST POST OF THIS EPISODE

Never Good Enough

Marco and I are natural friends. Everyone who reads my posts knows that my father used to tell me that I would never amount to anything. Marco’s father on the other hand pushed him to become an astronaut. If Marco got a 98 on a math test, his father would ask him what happened to the other two percent. Marco says he’s going to force himself to change the trajectory (but not the vocabulary) of his life once he returns to the mainland. Plucky suggested taking an interest test to find out his true passion, and to seek behavioral therapy to keep moving toward his new goal. I asked Lmao what’s the longest word he knows; he said it’s hard to say.

One Door Shuts

Susan and I had the most wonderful honeymoon. We boarded a ship to the archipelago’s main island, stayed at a luxury hotel, and spent some time sightseeing. Susan insisted that I plan our activities and said she would be happy no matter what we did. She has adapted well to living in the modern world, and I’m indebted to Plucky and Lmao for the immersion they provided while she lived with them. And last night, I carried her over the threshold of what is now, our spaceship. Lmao’s new travel bag is his all time favorite; he says it’s an open and shut case.

Neural Circuits

“Am I beautiful?” Susan asks me. That’s a strange question I said to myself, coming from the most beautiful woman on the planet Earth. I thought well duh, but instead I said: “You’re the most beautiful woman on the planet Earth.” What she did next came as a total surprise: she kissed me. Then she kissed me again. Then I kissed her. When at last I looked around, everyone else was gone. Once when I asked Deadpan to tell me what electricity felt like, he said to go fly a kite.

Group Psychology

I’m talking to Ronald Wayne Devers as he finishes painting our pier before the king’s ship picks him up tomorrow. Painting the pier is the sentence I gave him when he admitted stealing Plucky’s cat. He says he feels better than he has in a long time because he’s doing something useful. He thinks he might start a painting business when he goes back home. He knows he doesn’t want anything more to do with the Beacons of Night. “You wanna know what I think?” he says. “When a Beacon leader tells people that being born on another planet makes someone bad, it makes those people feel important because they were born on Earth. And when you make people feel important, they’ll do things for you.” Deadpan said he examined the paint job until he was blue in the face.

They Find Us Fascinating

[this event was recorded prior to coronavirus–Coy] I just finished my introductory speech to our inaugural group of tourists. They sat in folding chairs at the pavilion as I recited the history of our landing here. Then we proceeded to the viewing area where Deadpan engaged their interest with an explanation of harmonic progression. The tourists appear entranced by whatever we say or do. They don’t even seem to mind as I type this post; instead they’re watching me with utter fascination.

A tourist asked Deadpan if he could calculate pi. Deadpan replied, “Do you want the short answer?”

Our New Police Chief

Plucky, holding a small box in her hand, walked over to where Deadpan was sitting. “Prince Deadpan and I discussed this earlier,” she told the others. Deadpan stood up as Plucky continued: “As the ranking officer of Alien Resort, I’m presenting you this badge and bestowing upon you the title of police chief of this island. I‘m confident that you will rule with strength and compassion just as you did in your previous universe.” She pinned on the badge as the others applauded warmly. Somebody once asked Lmao what a policeman does and he replied, “Search me.”

A Message from Prison

Our writer Mr. Davis sent us this text message this morning by surprise: 

 ”I gave the guy in the cell next to me half of my soyburger to send this text. I don’t get any news from the outside but I’m sure it wouldn’t be good. I wish I had left you some scripts. I’m okay but do you want to know something strange? The Beacons of Night prison gang has always caused a lot of trouble here but suddenly they’ve become very quiet.”

I asked Lmao if he still eats vegetables; he said they’re on the chopping block.

I Heard Some Kind of Animal

When you sit on the beach at Alien Resort island, you hear the eons-old rush of the waves meeting the shore. But tonight we’re in the middle of the island, gathered in front of Plucky’s spaceship, and that sound is very distant. The view of the sky here is as good as anywhere on Earth. Long ago we gave up hope of a quick rescue, and have made peace with living on this planet. All of us agree that there are worse places to be stranded. Lmao got lost on his planet and forest rescue couldn’t find him. He says he was up a creek.

News Conference

The editor of the Mountain Ear newspaper says he won’t be intimidated. He received a warning letter from the Beacons of Night about a month ago but continued to publish Alien Resort comics anyway. Now that someone has painted the Beacons’ slogan “Earthlings Unite” on his newspaper’s building, he says he plans to increase publication from one comic a week to two, maybe even three. According to Deadpan, the newspaper building maintenance crew is still on break and the editor is waiting for them to resurface.